Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
