You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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