You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
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