just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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