I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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