Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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