I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
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today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
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I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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