Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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