it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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