I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
