Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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