i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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