Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So much rum. So many feels.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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