I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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