I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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