Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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