who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
