Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
