My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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