While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask