i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.