I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
