You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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