Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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