Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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