Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
