Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
