i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
