My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
