John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
