I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
