So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
