you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Too much gin, very little bucket
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
