Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
