can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize