Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
