god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
