spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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