I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
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During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
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Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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