I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
