He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
