Swine flu. Run for my life!
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Randomize
