Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
