In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
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I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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