My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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