i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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