so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
