i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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