I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
