Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
