SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
