This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
