I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
