I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
