cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Randomize
