I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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