i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
