She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
