Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
